Pink hair, i knew no one

dec 20.

Am currently so much happier without instagram. Idk why but when I have it downloaded I have a strange impulse to post on it or my life isn’t happening. Finding one thing a day to post is something that occupies more headspace than i would like it to. Truthfully I don’t want it to occupy my headspace at all. I feel like I might be thinking of things backwards, keeping up with social media for its own sake. if that makes sense. 

Still dont want instagram. Been thinking a lot about the website, the direction I want to go with messy. It feels all so frantic and then I keep remembering that i just have to do it and it will do it, i dont have to think about it to do it.

its hard to be uninfluenced

everything moved together

being swept along

my brother is rambling on and on about a blues scale on the guitar, says ill see its fluidity, that it all lines up very perfectly. hes singing the dominant seventh. 

whats my favorite bluesy interval? um..

Been back in seattle from berlin. Every time i come home i arrive, skid actually, on the front door with my hair all greasy and clothes smelling bad and all they ask is what i want for lunch, the close pho or the far pho? 

i was told i can’t take the car while im here, my only means of escape other than getting high in met bed and exploring my own mind. i think that everyone should go through a phase of getting high alone. with purpose. i mean write everything down, watch a lot of weird movies. read a lot. lay and look up at the ceiling and listen to entire albums. don’t do it for longer than a month though or other things start to deteriorate.Do it long enough to remember there are beautiful things in life and life is worth living and worth feeling. 

Lived so many lives this year, I was looking through pics and can hardly believe who I was at the beginning of this year. Pink hair, i knew no one and i was a nobody in some ways. most ways. i feel like i spent my whole life with mostly white straight people so it’s a really really nice transition out of that, but you make people in your old world mad that you left. everyone lives so differently and i think we should all live and interact with other people who grew up differently otherwise you keep on getting reaffirmed for events and perspectives that only exist in your world. Problems that only exist in your world. Ideas that only exist in your world. Never considering that they would never ever work if they left such a bubble. The atmosphere is different out there. 

It’s weird to be white. It’s weird to realize that being white pretty much automatically means you are racist. OH yeah, you gotta accept that now. The sooner you are like, my parents are prejudiced, my grandparents are, and by default i’m no better. I’m just tricked into thinking I’m better. Then you start actually being better because you have to address all of your terrible terrible white qualities and assumptions and really quite offensive and bludgeoning traits. You have to face the fact that you are super super super super privileged and your problems are other people’s goals. You have to really carry that with you forever, or else you will always be intolerant and blind. 

I know right now I have a lot of work to do still, a lot of personal growth to have, friends to make, people to learn from, mistakes to make. And I can’t wait.

this is going to sound so stupid but i really just need to not think about who i am or how i can specialize myself and just let myself be open and honest and true and close to my heart, living authentically… whatever that means. i feel trapped right now and silenced. but i think its necessary to hibernate. im really hibernating this winter. i just need to take care of myself, do things i love, and be happy and the rest will really take care of itself. i miss cybelle so much and love my life with her. its really freeing when you find someone who both sees the possibility and the best in you and allows you to change while expecting you to be the best you can be. i can’t wait for a full life, a balanced life. a life that works. 

be honest be kind 

be more silly

find joy and honesty in your life

find love in your life

there’s always time for rebirth

writingEmma2 Comments