I Thought About My Thoughts for a Week
Thinking about last night is pretty hazy. I went to bed drunk instead of winding down slowly for a night of dreaming. Course I brushed my teeth though. Woke up a couple of times before the first light of the day peaked out from underneath the blinds. It wasn’t one of those mornings where I gradually become conscious of my surroundings, no easy listening soundtrack playing in my head. Instead I feel groggy. Takes a few minutes to readjust myself to where I am, remember what my vague schedule for the day is, and figure out what the weather is doing. I turn my morning playlist on and get the day going.
Eyes open in a split second to the sound of a door bell. Turns out it was only in my head but what’s the difference anyway. It’s eleven past six and I wasn’t meant to wake for another hour. Take my phone off the charger, switch off airplane mode and start scrolling my instagram feed. Eyes feeling tired but my brain’s pretty wired. Daaaayum. Wondering where Catho is at, sent her an iMessage but she didn’t reply. 4 minutes later I get a missed call from her, I don’t know if that means she’s here or she’s coming. I get the magazines off the shelf and put them in a bag. Wait on the couch outside. Temp’s a bit cool but doing ok without a jacket. Watching people on their way to work, some stopping by the hole in the wall for a caffeinated bev. I can see some fairy floss cloud formations in the sky as the sun rises.
My body clock seems to be set on 7.30 – I wonder if it’s 7.30 or 7.5 hours sleep? It was pretty close to 7.30 and it seems to have been like that for the past few days. I’m feeling frustrated with myself because I’ve been awake for 2 hours and I haven’t managed to do anything. Woke up and had diarrhoea which was random, that never happens to me. As I was sitting on the loo waiting for my business to get going, I was thinking of ways I could describe my situation – tied to the toilet. Locked in the loo. Buried in my business. There were more but I’ve forgotten them now haha. Then I went back to bed cos I thought I needed to sleep more – I’ve been having about 7.5hrs of sleep for the past few days and every time I rock up to work I just want to sleep. I feel gross and disappointed in myself, and pretty useless. Liv you need to be kinder to yourself!!!!! Definitely focusing on the negatives rather than the positives, like the electronic handheld lawn mower that is buzzing away in the background. I meditated for about 3 minutes before throwing the towel in, spent about 20 minutes on social media instead. I’m counting down the hours I have until work instead of living in the moment. How do I get myself out of this mindset? This morning’s pre-waking dream was a bit scary – I was in Harry Potter and it felt like everything was all going to be over – Voldemort would win. I’m not sure where Harry actually came into it because I felt like I was him instead, playing me. Everyone was out to get me and it was flippin scary. Also I saw Giulia in the cinema and because she’s 18 now she can legally drink and she was talking to me and got vomit either on my ear or in my mouth. Remember Liv you are in charge of the way you feel
This morning I woke up feeling confused cos my dreams felt like reality. Trying to figure out if it’s Tuesday or Wednesday. It’s Sunday. It’s weird how some days you wake up feeling calm and happy and fulfilled, other days you feel anxious and uncertain. The first thought I had after thinking it was Wednesday was that I’d missed osce practice with Nell. I don’t have work til 3pm but I feel like my day is slipping away already. 2 shifts down 5 to go.
I am starting to wonder if the mood I am in before I go home sets the tone for my dreams, and subsequently the mood I will wake up in. I think that’s sometimes true, sometimes not. Maybe I woke up feeling motivated today because I knew how disappointed in myself I felt yesterday. Anyway, wasted barely any time before I made tracks for the day and it felt good. I was really motivated to move forward and get things done. Could also be because it’s nice and sunny outside.
Last night was one of those epic nights where it feels like you’ve slept forever because you’re so absorbed in your dreams. I had a couple – one where I’d just stepped off the plane in New York and was witnessing Brooklyn with my own eyes for the very first time. It was incredible. Another dream featured Anna and Jo. All I remember was Anna telling me she wanted to dye her hair cos it had lost its blonde sheen and looked a bit more spacey grey. I told her it looked fine. The funny thing about my dreams last night were that they felt like I was watching different TV series, switching channels back and forth depending on my mood. They all seemed to occur at the tail end of my sleep, either that or I don’t remember anything from before. I woke up feeling so rested and happy. I don’t think the restfulness side will last cos I only slept 7.5 hours and it still feels like I’m catching up from night shifts. but I guess I’ll see how the day goes.
I’m beginning to be more aware of my first thoughts of the day, my dreams, and my state upon pre-waking and waking. This morning I was indulging myself in a dream where I was at a leadership retreat. There were many fresh faces brimming with a desire to make changes in the world, yet a subtle hint of uncertainty at how. I remember seeing about 30 of us sitting across two large tables. No speakers yet the next thing I know we’re faced before the top of a large waterfall. A surprising and out of character wave of courage floods through me and I’m the second person to jump in. I jumped in with nothing but my pants, no bathers but it doesn’t matter cos it’s my body no one else’s. I woke up really early, before the dream ended, something that seems to be a thing my body wants to do when I know that I have to be somewhere at 8. Funny that your sleeping brain knows what you need in your conscious life