JANUARY - Derangement
On the first day of the year, the ‘fresh-start Monday’, I left my home with a blurry head. I had just argued with my mom and my thoughts consisted of both, the situation with her and you, the guy that had made my emotions arouse during December. We had never really talked, but you had already been a part of my daydreaming.
Eventually, I found myself talking with you. We kept each other company for the most part of the night, I got to know you and I could already feel that the interest was mutual. I knew about your long distance relationship, but this did not make me stop getting to know you more and more. You acted the same way.
After a week of interaction, you told me you like me, you also said that due to the conditions, there was nothing that can happen between us, ‘’for now’’. Our contact did not get reduced. On the contrary, it became more regular and intense. Intense looks, intense words, intense emotions, and I, being in love, had my soul filled with hope. I spent hours in your arms, with your hand stroking my legs and my waist, listening to you saying that you can’t find any imperfection on me. Every time I looked into your eyes, you felt stressful and you wanted to crawl into your bed. You said that it is hard for you when we are together and even harder when we are not. You also said that what we do doesn’t have any point, but I couldn’t leave, I didn’t want to leave, I didn’t accept the idea of leaving, because I had perceived the nature of my feelings. They were so tough that tears would start streaming down my cheeks as soon as I got home. One night I stayed in your place, I found shelter in your hug. I couldn’t sleep, I was glazing at you.
I reached my emotional peak in the course of that month. I had never felt this way before, never. I felt love, I felt ‘derangement’.
FEBRUARY - Horror
Our communication faded. You had plenty of obligations and I did too. I wasn’t given the opportunity to approach you, to have a conversation with you. This led me to melancholy, extreme melancholy.
Also, your girlfriend’s arrival came just in time to intensify my despair. My reaction to seeing her was excessive. I spent at least two hours sitting on the floor of my room, crying. I tried to encourage myself, believing that you’re in the course of breaking up. How could I?
After your girlfriend left, I didn’t try to go near you. I wanted to give you space, you were confused to the bone, I could see that. As I got distant, you did too and paranoia knocked on the door of my mind. All my insecurities started reappearing. I believed that you despise me, that I give you aversion, and this is how I came across the feeling of ‘horror’.
I don’t recall much of that month. I guess that is why I was sad 24/7. I wasn’t interested in anything except of achieving interaction with you.
MARCH – Transition
Spring was there, and even the improvement of the weather gave me grief. It made me realize the passage of the days and the stagnation that came with it.
We slept together, again, after a party. My inner self had been suffocating. ‘’Now, he’s holding me, but I don’t know when he’s going to hold me again, or if he ever will’’. With the lights turned off, you asked me what I was thinking of. I answered that I wouldn’t let get in my head, ‘’not yet’’.
The day after that, my whole soul content, turned into tears, relentless tears. I suffered, I suffered wondering how it could be possible that all the pretty things I feel about you were unfulfilled, and it was unfair. I could not channel you my love. I was tired, I was tired of the drama, I was tired of the suffering. ‘’Why do I let myself suffer so much?’’. ‘’Why have I lost my self control and my joy?’’.
After all my friends had freaked out seeing my swollen eyes, I came to find you and open you my heart. I decided to externalize the notorious ‘’what are you thinking of?’’ , which I had already evaded plenty of times. I had nothing to lose anyway. So, after almost one hour of me trying to manage to speak up, I told you whatever I felt (I still feel them for f*ck shake), whatever was in my soul, that I was in love with you, that I slept and woke up with you in my mind.
Your response to my ‘confession’ was that approaching me had been your fault right from the start. You knew that you couldn’t be able to give me what I wasn’t because of your relationship, but you kept going, showing me love. You’d believed that I if ‘the between us’ obtained a platonic level, everything would be fine, but I had been crumbling. You said you believed that ‘the between us’ wouldn’t end well, and that’s why we should leave it, despite the fact that you were still overly attracted at me.
You said that in April you’ll be gone for three weeks. I didn’t want you to leave, but it would do me good. I was wondering, how could you immure yourself in a monogamist relationship that makes you feel tedium? (you’d said so). You specialized at refusing all accusations. You were torturing yourself, and even more, you tortured me. But I can’t blame you and I won’t, you were straightforward (almost) with me, I was paranoid.
I continued freaking out, I continued thinking of you, I continued loving you. We talked sporadically for the rest of the month. You borrowed my camera. While we were in the same space, our eyes met in frequently, and I could feel love and gloom mixed in our glances, I could feel some kind of spiritual linking. Feelings were still there, and this made me even more miserable.
After a lot of afternoons on my balcony, with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette on the other, I started believing that I was walking towards a new circle in my life and that March was the course of the ‘transition.’
APRIL – Awareness
You left for your hometown. I did not say goodbye to you, I just found a message explaining me where my camera was and asking me to keep the film. The two following weeks beat me completely. Everything seemed dull. You appeared in my sleep almost every night, making it difficult for me to get off my bed. Sometimes you were crying, sometimes you were just a passive observer, sometimes you touched me. I was clearly missing you. Then came a trip to Dublin, Ireland. For me, it was sufficient that I was away from everyone and everything.
I called you on your birthday. Hearing your voice was salutary. Hearing my voice, you stupefied, I could tell you were glad I called. Though, I had pretty much got used to your absence, I desperately wanted to see you.
The day you came back, you decided to text me. I was a bit shocked, you hadn’t texted me for like, ages. Your interest in me was still there, unchangeable, I didn’t want it, it caused me sorrow. We didn’t talk much, just typical stuff. I was still in pain, but I had it under control.
While you were gone, and when you returned, I cottoned on to the fact that my feelings wouldn’t erode, as much as I would try. My mentality was fragile, but I knew exactly what my problems were, I reached ‘awareness’.
MAY - Reconstruction
May, a full, meaningful month. I accepted that I can do anything when it came to spending time with you, besides, I didn’t see you much. I stopped talking about your impact on me with my friends and tried to ‘swallow’ my depressive feelings. The smiths was the only thing I felt like listening to, and guess what song was my top choice; “I know it’s over”.
Meanwhile, I got in touch with a guy that I learned that liked me a lot. I was trying to move on blah blah blah, and I was like ‘love, that’s your change’. He, was proven to be a great, kind and caring guy, but I didn’t feel nothing true for him, nothing mental, nothing sentimental. I was just fond of him and needed some affection ( I made myself kind of clear about this, so that I would not deal with misunderstandings later). I had zero expectations of him, I just wanted that we hang around, have fun and offer each other satisfaction. I didn’t perceive him as a way to increase my self confidence, that is for sure. He, on the other hand, had feelings for me, causing me to feel deceitful to him. I kissed him and I was thinking of you, I had sex with him and I was thinking of you, coward.
May, was a course of ‘reconstruction’ for me. The situation between us made me really blue, but this time I could handle it. I felt more balanced, I found inspiration, I redefined some goals and some desires, I regained some of my optimism. I was pretty much fine, reorganized.
However, the last week of the month (this past week) doesn’t conform to the ‘refreshment’ vibe I thought I had accomplished.
I started seeing you in my sleep again, but the dreams are worse, intense and realistic. My mood was (and is) awful every morning. Every kiss, every touch of him feels aloof, apathetic. For some reason I can sense gloom coming again. Why now, I thought I was alright?
As you learned about me and him, your jealousy boiled over. We generally didn’t talk, cause your girlfriend was here (she is still here) for the whole month and I didn’t want to cause awkwardness, but after him, you won’t even respond to my greeting. You sent me out some kind of rage every time you see me and I feel so so sad, cause I miss talking to you, I miss being able to ask you how you are, I miss recommending you movies and music. I love you, you foul. Why do you treat me like this? I can read you and you’re embittered seeing me with another man, but you chose it. There’s no way that you don’t realize the effect of your childish behavior on me. You don’t hesitate to maintain it though. At the same time, I’m too weak to let you go out of my mind, I need you, or, I don’t know I maybe can’t kick you out after all. That’s why I stopped sharing this problem with my close and beloved people, I believe I am the factor to my own sadness.