Made in a Factory

I’m almost 19, but ive decided that when people ask me my age now I’m not going to tell them. I love many things and sometimes it’s overwhelming because I feel like I might never experience them all; im always watching things and reading things. It takes me a very long time to fall in love with someone but every time I realize I did love them along but I wouldn’t let myself know it yet, and then im mad and wish I acted differently in certain situations…im very impulsive and routines make me sad but sometimes theyre ok, I like dingy restaurants, u know the little diners you find on some corner and everyone there’s been going for years or they just stopped in because they were happening by. Favorite films are American honey, before sunrise series, spirited away, la haine, pierrot le fou, jules and Jim, mommy, the great beauty. Love soul music lately. And gold hoop earrings, always

Well, here’s this.

 

I wake up to gray rain out my window sounds like it’s falling down my throat read some of that book the words choke me I can feel it in my 

 

brush teeth, skin looks good. Clear and supple and soft like satin. My eyes embroidered on. Eyelashes stitched up all stitched up one by one, threads and threaded together 

 

Walk down the stairs. Kitchen a mess blueberry pancakes I hate an over abundance of buttermilk and batter and th e stacks on plates

People try to do nice things for me I want to shout at them, you dont know me like that u dont know what I really want so dont even try! The thought was nice but im too up in my head

I dont want the fucking yogurt you picked out I want the one I did, sometimes I wouldn’t care at all but this morning I care

I care that you ask me the same questions every day

Talk about the same fucking things and drink the same fucking coffee beans that aren’t even good and now im stuck drinking them too I dont even want to now but I just want something to sip sometimes does that make sense well now this songs playing called thoughts of you I dont like it at all, thinking about lying in a hotel bed by myself some shitty print on the wall above my head, if it’s somewhere by the ocean it’s a starfish or a seashell. People dont even care but I do

Always feeling like somethings missing, am I missing something? When I feel this way everything I dont like and let myself ignore most of the time, sticks out to me like that one little spot on the dry erase board that the teacher missed cleaning-a little swipe of red marker, that’s the fake stuffed chickens we have why the fuck do we have those?? And an obnoxious clock that no one uses to tell the time, pretty sure it’s not even the right time. Big and gaudy probably from some store in the mall for too much money and made in a factory 

 

Maybe watching the rest of that movie will make me feel different, but then what 

Then what?

I miss last December & November, and August and September and that end of October when I saw you in the crowd, and everything was good again, and July when I watched the handcuffs on you and June when we met in those little chairs you with your grape candy.

“Do you want a piece?”

“Yeah, I usually dont like grape flavored things though, they’re like gross medicine…is this one like that?”

“Nah, I dont like those either but this kind’s different”

find emma here