MIRRORS, MESSENGERS, monocles

jake sodaro is my classmate. though we barely know each other, there is something very pungent about him, to me

right now he wears black tennis shoes with white and silver stitching and laces, it looks like. starting with the unimportant details for no particular reason because i need to learn, by (trial and) error, that i’m better when i have a reason

 

he sits in class like an obviously distressed but pretending-unsuccessfully-to-be-polite-and-patient child. and i’ve noticed that he-

 

<fuck, i think he’s a reflection of me. through one lens. he is surely a messenger from God, planted here to teach me, without words: divine, and without my permission yet because of my own true concoction of a lens, truths about myself. but isn’t everyone? this is getting scary, but thankfully this is also only one method>

 

-is often critical of people who are happily exercising their freedoms, so critical that he gives the impression of being jealous. i wouldn’t realize that i do this too if it weren’t for this messenger

 

i feel so bad for jake sodaro right now, and for me, for knowing that he doesn’t know that the person he thinks nothing of who is sitting next to him, who he could see typing, if he chose to look, is actually typing words about him, and typing, more specifically, a pretentious, assuming analysis that is probably, and probably definitely (possible? but who cares), is so utterly untrue, but it gives her solace anyway because she is still so insecure and desperate that she will accept just about anything. i’m so, so, so incredibly sorry. you had to be the one.

 

<often times, instead of participating, i prefer to observe and gleam in amazement at the general concept of what they’re doing (anyone)>

 

<and: writing and conservation of mass: from nothing to so much of something, so quickly; only 3-and-a-half brains>

 

<i’m always getting these epiphanies about *how to be*, *next*>

 

<wow, connecting brands with people… american or what?>

 

he wears, and always, a headset: reminiscent of something i’d imagine uncle steve (…Praying For You…another messenger) wearing. like someone who’s been anticipating a message, any message, for years. with such great anticipation that they make themselves, or rather their entire lives, available for reception. kind of like me. an also-ashamed part of me. except i use not a headset but a different sort of message-reception device: i sustain myself for years and just *feel* anticipatory during that. usually-falsely anticipatory is my aura. so is jake’s, maybe. at least i acknowledge that i’m probably wrong. and apparently i receive messages from people who wait for messages by always wearing a headset, until i decide later to continue anticipating a more explicit message. >need person who wear bigger headset? stop

 

sometimes i am a little too harsh with jake sodaro. sometimes i correct him, sometimes i make fun of his candy-eating habits (of which i have my own and am exercising as i sit here writing this bullshit... binch), sometimes i cackle not just freely, but confidently, at something i find to be absurd, and, subconsciously, give and accept, myself, the permission to shrug off my crudity, unlike the me literally anywhere else, only when he is around, as if his presence gives me permission to be my worst self so that i realize what my worst self is so that i stop being my worst, even sometimes. 

 

<let’s try this new thing where we update one singular note throughout the entire day. <<and use a strategic format in each document.>>>

 

<i let myself go free range for, like, a year. thought that was the way to be but now i think (it is right to think that) i was wrong, but right, for a while, to have thought that i was right. now it’s time to pull it in, or add some shelving, but not completely, of course>

 

<whenever i see ppl running i think well what the fuk are u running from??>

 

>>>HERE WE GO WITH THE NEW FORMAT<<<

 

(1) The document shall be divided into sections on the basis of singular ideas or ‘phases of ideas’: ideas that collectively follow a particular, identifiable pattern or are exuded within temporal proximity to each other. Each section shall be labeled using a numerical schematic