Ur still on my mind. Maybe u’ve become a part of it now,

April 7th

Ur still on my mind. Maybe u’ve become a part of it now, maybe, maybe, u aren’t even separable from my desires anymore.

And u still don’t know. U got no idea but u’ve been in my fucked up fantasies for over a year now.

I can’t and I won’t make moves. Ok sorry, side note, this is manifestation. I don’t even really believe in it. Maybe I do. I don’t know.

But u still there. I want u to be mine, I want to engulf ur mind, ur body, ur fucking brilliant. I thought I was over u. Guess what I’m not. I really thought I was done. I wasn’t. I seek comfortability which I find in obsessing over u. It’s the usual. But I wanna find comfortability in saying fuck this fuck u instead. I need u to be gone. But ic an’t because be rude, I can’t hurt u. Would u even notice though is the real question. Do u ever really notice anything, is the question. U don’t. I love u, I truly do. But u seem like a heartless, somewhat insensible piece of shit sometimes. Okay. I gotta stop. Had too much absolut vodka tonight.

 

—-

Ok this is me again, April 20th 2018.

Its crazy. Ur in a relationship, I still want u to love me. To love me, hold me tenderly, maybe, one day. But I need to stop telling myself this. I really need to fucking stop right now. But you know what? Tonight is gonna be devoted to my heartbreak. I’m gonna go out late at night, drink, or maybe I’ll stay home. It doesn’t matter anyway. 

U know. I need to journal about this. About everything. I haven’t found the time. I should be better at self car.e and I shouldn’t be guilty for not doing it at the same time.

I feel so off. So so off. Like I’m good but I’m also not. I’m confused. Okay fuck. I need to …. Focus on myself I guess? I guess I do. Need to be more aware.

I wonder what I’m doing. Is this mourning. Because now I know for sure that us two, that’s never gonna work out. 

Now all I want is someone to fill my late night ponderings, someone to fill up my heart. When did I stop putting myself first, when did I fucking stop doing this, when did I allow u to have so much control over me??? U never knew, u will never know. And I …. Also don’t know. I also don’t know. What I felt for u was undoubtedly real, and I will never question that. And it was wrong, wrong all the way from the start. But I can’t condemn myself, not now, not ever.

 

I need to stop guilt tripping myself and I need to start taking care o myself properly. Thought I was done with learning about self love. But I guess I’m not. Still need to learn and that’s okay. That’s really ufking okay.

—-ä

One day later

Im drunk af rn i’ve been jamming to my trap music for an hour now I fuckin glove it

Maybe this will cure my fucking heartbreak

Rn i feel gud i feel okay

Right

But I know I will need to speak about this properly and not just drink it all up

U know that won’t help finally

 

Ugh fuck 

Im so jealous im so freaking fucking jealous

 

I wanna get myself not to give a shit about this

But I also want to let myself be

 

But If I let myself be I will just fall into old patterns again and love whom I shouldn’t be loving and tfantasize about people I shouldn’t even be thinking about

It’s crazy how fast i’m typing

I need to self care more

I need to 

Bitshcj $i feel so good and confident right now simply because of my booze my vodka and my trap

 

Crazy how music and drugs can improve (‚improve‘ hahaha) ur mood

 

I need to foncfornt this issue though so I don’t just push it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exit. Bc eventually that’s gonna come back and haunt me and we don’t want that. We ant to be good. To be good. Yes man that’s some manifestation. I want to be good, forever man. I know I won’t always be okay. But I guess I can try. I can fucking try. And I’ve achieved so much. I’m a top student, teachers respect me, peers do, I’m a good dancer, I still have a social life and I masturbate every now and then. Wow i’mt typing fast. 

I really am. I’ve come so far without realizing. And I wont let this one person whom I love so dearly, so deeply, ruin myfucking life. I don’t deserve this pain at all. No one does. And I’m gonna stop. I’m gonna stop obsessing, gonna stop depressing myself fifth this issue. Its not helping me at all. Like why on earth would it help me. lol. I’m kind of laughing at myself right now. 

 

Why tf did I ever fall for u. April 2017 I fell in love, my year man. But I fell hard and harder and I guess only now I’ve caught myself and picked myself up. I need to. It wasn0t healthy. I love that person. okay. I really do. And i won’t push them away nor will I do anything else 2016 me like. But will fight for my emotional independence. again. I will. I will distance myself. U know. Like actually. Distance myself from the person that can make me feel like I’m on top of the world and 6 feet under a the same time. Wow. Congratufuckinglations. U can make me feel something. Suck my fucking dick, x. Suck my fucking dick. U fucking ruined ting.s but I guess I still like u and ur important also for school and stuff so I cannot fuck this up like I did last time. U know that sucks. If I knew this would be over soon I could just cut you off but I cant because ur importatnt. As a friend too. Like as a real friend I guess. Fuck man. Never thought I would be in this position. Never ever thought this would be the case. Fuck mannnnn. Wish we could turn back times to the good old days. When the mama sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out. 

 

Yeah we are. I need to pick myself up. I need to, I do. Because I’m making myself so unahppy. It’s correct, I really have been in denial. I haven0t found the time to properly deal with my feelings, although that was probably all I needed to do. I never seem to have the time. How sad. How really fucking sad. Fuck man. Im drunk, and I love it. Of course I do. How could I not. How could I not love writing down my feelings, a stream of consciousness. How could I not jamming out to my favorite songs how could I not love pouring my heart into this crazy document that I will eventually print out and put into my journal simply because right now, writing with pen and paper doesn’t feel right. I want to feel the keys and type fast and think fast, ultimately. okay. That’s all. 

 

So, good night for today. I’m going to sleep now, simply because ei need to. I’m gonna take care, I’m gonna take fucking care like u always told me to do. And I guess that’s what I’m doing now. Taking the advice of someone I need to forget or at least get over. Will I ever? yes. I know how powerful I am. I know what I can do. And this is my new project. Something I will pursue. Because hell yes, fantasies and love and visions are beautiful, nostalgic and comforting to me. Why wouldn’t they be? But they are, at the same time, consuming me. I’m not my best self. And I guess I hate that expression too. But anyway, it’s stopping gme. It’s stopping me from being who I aspire to be. And I guess that doen’st even matter in the end. All that matters is that I am okay and happy and full of love, full of appreciation that I can give to other people and that I can appreciate myself. I don’t kneed someone who will be haunting me all my life. I know it’ll be hard, because stopping an addiction is always hard. But it will stop. 

It will. It will. goodnight. 

-

May 3rd

Just read through my old journal entries about her

The way they still touch my heart and make me shiver

Make me smile, sadly

What is it?

it’s an era ending

You in my head, I want you gone

 

 

It sounds so promising

Those old lines

The thing’s you’d say

Your sense of humor

Comforting me always

And never would I 

Have thought about

Leaving this behind 

 

 

..

 

Love,

At first softly.

Undeterred.

Unnoticed.

Commenced creeping

in.

Fate, perhaps.

 

Love,

commenced creeping

In.

Raising the corners of my mouth

lingering,

for a smile.

Whenever

a thought

 - Just a glimpse

Of you 

crossed my mind.

 

Love,

At first softly

and quietly.

Yet now potent

taking away from

My already unstable

Mind even more

sanity.

 

Love,

It brought fantasies.

You and you,

only you.

Sipping wine,

smiling simply,

observing. 

You, gently,

just sensing my most 

sensitive skin.

You,

Standing still with me.

Comme tu sens 

la même pour moi.

 

Because you love

the language of love,

For it is the only one

that’s sprung from 

your mind when

I cross your mind.

 

(A poem I wrote around Christmas about the person I love)

 

My thoughts run back to u every second.

Guess I’m still making progress?

Guess not?

I guess, I guess, I don’t know.

Will i ever forget or get over it??

I will not forget but I’ll get over it.

I guess.

 

It’s quite a lot yet I felt like it was somewhat fitting.