what is on my mind from 3 am to 7 am...

it was 3am on a spring morning

new life and beginnings meant a very different thing to me than it did to the rest of nature

having been the first time in nearly 2 months that i hadn’t cried myself to sleep, i lay in my too-tightly sprung dorm room bed scarily still. initially i felt proud. proud that i had moved forward enough to finally not wake up with puffy eyes and a tear-soaked pillow like every other night since the break up...

but it wasn’t until it was 7.34am and neither my body nor thoughts in my brain had moved for many hours that i started to realise that maybe i liked crying myself to sleep, because at least it actually got me to sleep. as exhausting as sobbing hysterically every night was, this was somehow 10 times worse. people always tell you ‘things will get better,’ which ultimately i believe, but they never tell you that things might also get worse - and they sometimes do. sometimes it’s not just a break up, and your not just another angsty teen experiencing one of life’s many heartbreaks. sometimes when your heart is breaking is it screaming, crying, begging for help. not for a lover, but for support, for a friend. i wasn’t so badly hurt because i was so in love and that love was one of a kind. i was so badly hurt because i had become so reliant on some else for my own source of happiness that once that source disappeared into the black hole of my reality, my happiness followed. heartbreak can hurt so much because you’re not only losing someone you love, but on top of that, you’re discovering so many weaknesses of your own at a time where you’re not even strong enough to get out of bed in the morning. you’re going through your very own rebirth at a time where you’ve never been more unstable; and that’s a lot to take on when you’re a teenager with a million other issues and worries about more pointless and pointworthy things.