I don’t even know him but I was already....like... fantasizing being in a relationship with him

I’m turning 20 in two weeks and I’m still a virgin. I had been struggling with this for a while, feeling ashamed of it. Why hasn’t it happened to me yet? Is something wrong with me? Why does no one want to sleep with me? But I realised (today actually) that I’m a virgin by choice.

 

Whether I like it or not, I’m the one who is deciding to stay a virgin. I could have sex if I wanted to, I could meet a guy in a bar or even a guy from tinder and BAM sleep with him and I could proudly say that I’ve had sex. But that’s not what I want. It doesn’t really have anything to do with the fact that I’m a virgin. If you ask me, virginity is a social construct and it’s stupid, I don’t expect nor want my first time to be with the person I’ll spend the rest of my ife with, I don’t expect it to be this special thing, BUT I do want it to be with someone I can trust. As I was saying, it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that I’m a virgin but more so with the fact that it would be my first time doing something that I’ve never done before.

 

The first time you do/learn something you do it with someone who you can trust, you learn to ride a bike with someone who you know won’t let you fall and even if you do, they’ll make sure you’re okay afterwards and help you get back up. That’s why I’m still a virgin. I’m still a virgin because I still haven’t found that person that won’t let me fall and will help me get back up, even if I do. But honestly, I’m afraid I’m never going to find that person LOL. I don’t want to have meaningless sex (but like maybe I’m just saying that because I’ve never done it before, I mean back to the analogy with the bike, once you get the hang of it you don’t always have to do it with the same person/someone you trust, lol idk) BUT yaa, I’m just....

afraid I’m never going to find what I want I guess.

 

But I’m finally proud of myself because I now know my self worth.

 

 Drawing By Emma Czerwinski

Drawing By Emma Czerwinski

No point in crying over boys who don’t give a shit about you. It’s not my job to run after boys who can’t/won’t see my worth, I have my own life and if they actually want me then they should prove it to me. THEY SHOULD RUN AFTER ME. fuck off. Not worth wasting my time and tears.

 

 

The other day after **** cancelled on me,

 

I felt so shitty about myself. I immediately put everything on me, oh it’s because I’m ugly, annoying, stupid, etc. etc. Funny how someone who I hardly know has the ability to make me feel so bad about myself, but tbh, that’s all on me, he’s not the one to blame, it’s myself. I wasn’t even sad because he cancelled ( I mean I was because I was looking forward to it) but more because I was projecting everything on myself.

 

I don’t even know him but I was already....like... fantasizing being in a relationship with him, which btw, is very narcissistic because I was just imagining what I would get out of that relationship (love, affection, etc.). So ya that’s why I was devastated, because it shattered that dream (I’m legit crazy). But it could have been with any. other. guy. and it wouldn’t have changed anything.

So ya, basically, I have to stop that.

I feel like all the crushes I’ve had have never actually been on that PERSON but more so on the person I imagine them to be. How messed up is that.

But ya ANYWAYS, I’m not sad anymore and I actually don’t really give a shit about **** anymore. Which is kind of surprising but ya I basically came to my senses, and I’m actually really thankful to him, because thanks to him I’m over all the other guys that I was crushing on before him. So now I’m crushless and can finally concentrate on myself.