Weekly advice column, Hosted by Sofia Sperling.
Sofia is a psychology student, and self love & women’s rights advocate. She has been sharing her own struggles with depression and anxiety openly on her platforms for years in order to remind people that they are not alone, and to fight stigmas of mental illness.
I'm starting to realize that I'm basically the psychologist to all my friends. At first I liked the thought, I can see how they trust me and how they like my opinion on things and that I make them feel better, but now I see how nearly all I talk about with my friends is their problems to the point where I don't care anymore and would just like to have someone to listen to me and have the security that if I want to talk and share something with a friend, they'll listen and not make it about them and start talking about themselves. I know I might sound selfish, but I'm tired and beginning to think that the people around me aren't making me happy.
I relate to this so much!!! I have always been the therapist to my friends, and while it’s nice at first it can become draining, and like you said, very one-sided. Since these are your friends, you should be open with them. Let them know how you’re feeling and that although you are open to them coming to you for advice, you don’t want that to be your whole relationship. Establish boundaries and require reciprocity. A relationship should not be one-sided. When they begin to vent to you, stop them and tell them that you are there for them but want them to be there for you, as well.
If that doesn’t work or you don’t care to try to do this, maybe it is best to find new friends. You don’t want to be in relationships that don’t benefit you in the slightest. It is a waste of your time and can be detrimental to your mental health. Maybe start being open to new friendships while also trying to rework these older ones.
I was wondering if you had any advice on how to deal with/leave a relationship that is no longer helping you grow. I love my boyfriend very much, but have recently started to feel suffocated, and constrained from expressing myself in our relationship. I am heartbroken that I may have to break up with him in order to discover myself, and quite frankly terrified of a future without him. We are best friends and do everything together, we never argue or have any toxicity in our relationship, yet I can’t help but feel like I’ve settled and become stuck in a comfortable situation that is preventing my personal growth.
Leaving a relationship can be very hard but like you said, it may be necessary to find yourself and to grow. If you are unsure, maybe talk to him about this. Tell him where you’re coming from and how you’re feeling. Who knows, he may be feeling the same as you! Maybe together you can make a more empowering relationship that benefits both of your personal growth.
If you find that separating will be the most beneficial to yourself, just take a deep breath and do it. It may be hard at first to refigure your life without them, but moving on does not invalidate the relationship you had and can still have.
Try and give yourself room to grow on your own. It is very important to do so, especially if you’re feeling stagnant.The best person to empower your growth is yourself and being single is sometimes the best thing to help jumpstart that. Take yourself out of your comfort zone, it’ll lead you to find out more about yourself and help you excel in so many ways.
Just because you are ending things now doesn’t mean they will be over forever. The break up can be civil, you can remain friends, and maybe one day through your separate growth you will grow back together.
I've been in a relationship for almost a year now, but I don't think I am in love, or was ever in love with him. I don't remember feeling butterflies or the rush we've all felt sometime in our life when we were starting. I don't even feel any kind of passion with him, no chemistry sexually. But he has been there for me no matter what and it kinda scares me not being with him, being alone, I don't know, maybe he's my comfort zone and i don't even know how i can actually breakup with him, it would tear him apart. I don't know what to do...
If the relationship isn’t exactly what you want then separate yourself from it. We are pressured by society to get into relationships as quick as possible because it feels validating. And it is nice to have someone to give to and receive attention from consistently, but if it’s not real love it isn’t going to beneficial in the end. You don’t owe anything to anyone and in fact it is better off to let someone go in this situation then to keep leading them on.
He may be your comfort zone but that’s only because you settled for that. Don’t settle for someone just because they make you feel wanted. Be with someone who empowers you and pushes you to grow. Someone who makes you feel brand new and loved. Someone who gives you those “butterflies” everyday. If there is any doubt that you do not love him then you should not stay.
He is your comfort zone because he gives you love and it is easier than loving yourself. But, breaking things off with this person will not only free them, but also yourself and although it may feel uncomfortable at first, it will be the most beneficial for your personal growth. Throw yourself into the deep end and teach yourself to swim. You will never grow if you settle for something that isn’t benefitting your personal journey.
My prom is coming up and I don't have anyone in mind that I want to bring as a date, and I really don't want to just bring someone who my friend sets me up with. I want to go alone and enjoy my final prom of high school but I'm feeling pressured by those around me that it will be uncool.
Hi! Who cares what anyone says. Get cute as fuck and stunt at prom by yourself. You don’t need a date to have fun, and if you bring someone you’re not really interested in, it will only lead to an iffy night. You are not “uncool” for going alone, you are strong and powerful. If someone calls you uncool it is only because they are jealous with your confidence of showing up like a babe by yourself. Go with your friends, even if they have dates! Tag along and do it for yourself. It is your prom and you can do as you choose!
I did the same thing senior year. I had no one to go with and felt pressured by my parents to attend so I got all dolled up and road on the party bus with all my friends and their dates. I went solo and slayed, and that’s all that matters now.
Do it for the memories.
***You have compete anonymity when sending questions to sofia, but if we hear that you are planing on hurting yourself or someone else, we are mandatory reporters. Please note that this advice column is not a substitute for professional help. If you are facing serious family, personal, or mental issues, seek direct help***
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