"what is something that everybody, I mean everybody, has in common?"
I got a reply, "Love. and then more importantly, loss."
What was your first heartbreak like?
This guy that I fell for--- air quotes on fell for. I’ve always been a huge hopeless romantic, and he’s the complete opposite. He used me and manipulated me completely. I was thinking, wow this is so cool! We might as well be dating! But what I wasn’t seeing is that he was only interested in seeing me in secret. He didn’t tell anyone about what we were doing. He would look people dead in the eyes, like “what are you talking about,” meanwhile I’m going around the school telling everyone and nobody believes me.
It was my friend’s birthday party and I hit him up and asked him to go with me, and he said okay, sure. Last minute he wasn’t answering his calls, and he finally texted me saying his aunt was in the hospital. Of course I’m like, oh yeah I get it, let me know what I can do, I hope everything is okay.
Then he comes through the door mid-party. In a suit, looking great. I go up to him and grab his hand and am like, hey is everything okay? And my heart is fluttering because we are together in front of all of these people and secretly I’m like, this is the proof that I need. But, I was trying to look at him... and he was not looking at me. That feeling of him just looking right above my head. Shrugging me off. Yeah yeah, everything is fine. Throughout the night I was trying to dance with him and all of these other girls were of course trying to dance with him too…
Oh wait so I’m getting the sense that he’s really cute?
Okay well he’s a Wilhelmina model and came from France. Picture that crazy jawline.. At the time he was way out of my league. People would pull me aside and be like, think about it, think about it. Why is he interested in you? Hinting at that he was trying to take advantage of me. But I jumped to defend him always.
Okay, so you are trying to get his attention…
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And I was trying to catch his eye and he was ignoring me. This girl starts grinding all up on him. And we weren’t in a relationship but to me it felt like it. I had never before had a guy who wanted to kiss me and wanted to hang out with me.
Then he disappears.
It was like a coming of age movie, everyone got on their phones and were covering their mouths laughing, pointing at me. There were snapchats being sent around the party of him having sex with this girl in the bathroom. Everyone wanted to see the drama so they were pushing me to go open the bathroom door. I literally danced my troubles away. I remember thinking, don’t cry, don’t cry. I just danced like I had never danced before. People who had never talked to me were coming up to me like, Kira! What a dick! I’m here for you! Because they wanted to be in on this drama.
I was really quick to forgive him. I started to divert it to a friendship. And I started to really understand him and where he was at. But there’s that saying you know.. If you’re a rat and a snake you can’t be friends because one day the snake will get hungry.
So he starts to get hungry....
So we went on a Senior trip. He texted me and said that a party was going on in his room and he wanted to get some sleep so he asked to come stay in my room. I was with my friends and we were just watching movies so I was like, yeah of course. I was in my bed and laying next to him...
And yeah. I don't know how else to say it. He sexually assaulted me. He was touching my boobs and touching me all over and tried to hump me and I was asleep. I start to wake up and he turns my neck to kiss me. I screamed, “what the fuck!” at him, and he was silent. Completely silent. I needed to get out of there so I went to go take a shower. He stayed in bed and I was thinking.. Is he just fucking cool with this? I started crying in the shower. I felt so gross. I am still not over it. Maybe it’s not a good example because I haven’t gotten over it, but that was loss. I felt my whole fairy-tale love story vanish. I can’t look at guys the same way.
I feel like it’s so cliche also that he’s the pretty face luring you in
Oh yeah. He lured a lot of girls in. Sometimes I wonder if I saw this coming from the beginning. I try to avoid that dialogue because then it turns into.. Did I know that I wasn’t good enough? Did I know that he was like this? I must’ve known he was going to do that, how could I not know that?
Well the whole premise of sexual assault is power and dominance. I see that clearly in this situation. Everyone was reaffirming that you weren’t good enough. He was demeaning, and didn’t regard you in any high way. You have to forgive yourself because even if you didn’t see this coming or if he didn’t, he had the power in the dynamic.
What would you go back and tell yourself?
You’re still growing and you’re still finding yourself and you really don’t have time for boys. You don’t have a stable foundation just yet. Now I do, I get it, I know who I am and I love myself. I really fell in love with The Messy Heads because it was exactly what I was trying to do. It really did change me. But I can’t change it, so I am building a more positive dialogue with myself and with guys.