(?)

 
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scenic window on the bus.

what you had on offer,

what you could provide me with,

i wanted

i craved.

i devoted my everyday thoughts to maybe finding it.

i think you were the same for me.

i was once enthralled by you,

fascinated by you.

you came to me in a time when i was reliant on others,

i trusted others more than I trusted myself.

i forgot about me?

what do I want?

 

your eyes and your hands wandered my body.

in places i did not seek to be touched,

and when i said

no

you said yes

made me feel guilty

made me feel bad

i left

without being followed.

i doused myself in neon lights

allowed the psychedelic rock in front of me to

send it’s vibrato pulse down my body and

through my blue veins.

i love not being able to hear my thoughts.

i smoked a poorly rolled joint offered to me from a guy in the crowd,

then kissed him,

and forgot about you.

loved it.

he said “i’m leaving, but ah, you’re free to come join us.”

i decided to stay and listen to the rest of the current set.

he called me by my full name “well, you’re very handsome and maybe we’ll bump into each other someday."

we traded hugs and off he went.

already forgot his name.

i never did believe i deserved love.

perhaps a push and perhaps a shove.

i hated myself.

i have a tendency to use others to assess myself.

if this person hates this certain characteristic of mine,

i’ll hate it too.

fuck, i’ll teach myself to be different.

unlearn the natural reflexes of my body if i have to,

erase parts of myself.

the way i talk, the way i see things.

i will admit that i used you to make myself feel less misunderstood,

less numb

less confused.

on the airplane back to home,

i cried,

criiiiied.

so hard.

i had joy division blasting in my earphones.

“love will tear us apart.”

eh.

it was then that i realised that i was only in love with the idea of you.

i made sure to focus on what was outside,

making sure i wasn’t seen with two leaking eyes

and a pink face.

i clearly wasn’t successful,

the elderly lady seated next to me began asking me questions.

anyway, it was okay.